Last night I yelled at my daughter… not your normal “get into bed!” yell, but that deep anger-filled yell. It scared me. I felt as if I could bring the whole house crashing down with the fury that welled up from the depths of my gut. I wanted to destroy. I needed the clouds to converge and the thunder to rage. I requested, in that moment of indignation, for lightening to strike and for fire to engulf. I looked in the mirror, a long hard look and wondered where I had gone. I was depleted, I was sad, I was angry, I was disappointed, I was hurt, I was aged; there was not even a glimmer of happiness or fulfillment, just a broken down middle-aged woman. I looked at my daughter with her head under the pillow crying; an innocent, beautiful being that I was slowly corroding into a scared, insecure, lonely little girl…because for the past few weeks, my strength was coming from her…She does not have the potency yet to carry others, but there I was, counting on her to absolve me of anger that she was not responsible for.
I realized in that moment that some time in the past year I had let others slowly steal my energy, embezzle my joy, capture my resolve, and thieve my ability to recharge; now I was doing the same to the most important person in my life. All she wanted was for me to be the mom that I was, that would lie down with her and exude the calm, be the constant and the comfort for her to go peacefully into delightful dreams. My home, which is to be a refuge from all that is crap in this world, was now ripe with the stagnant and rotten energy I had allowed to infiltrate it. She could no longer escape what she felt, she could no longer feel the innate happiness she was born with, as she was slowly being surrounded by the rubbish I had been carrying.
The thing is, the rubbish I have is not even mine. That is the thing about energy, it vibrates, changes shape, surrounds, lingers, follows, can be positive, negative, or neutral, but never dies. Those of us who open ourselves up to the universe and all it has to offer sometimes get stuck with all the negativity that comes from others as they steal the light. Those unhappy people who pawn off their energy to you just to make themselves feel better…It does not last for them, for until they decide to change themselves, no amount of good energy they steal will last, as energy becomes what it is fed. For those of us left with the nastiness of someone else, we sometimes do not know we are nurturing it until it is so vast and encompassing it has all but devastated.
My hurt and disappointment is mine, for to know that someone I cared about would pawn off their own gloom to me and steal my light, can only result in such a feeling. My daughter must feel the same way about me somewhere deep down inside. What a sad circle that is most likely perpetuated the world over, and no-one grasps the reality of what is actually happening, so it just continues. The focus deviates from the self-worth to self-loathing to blame, to where the attention is on all that is wrong.
I am close to devastation, frighteningly close…full of the pessimism and darkness from others that I neglected to purge. It is at this moment that I have to go deep within to find the goodness and joy that is buried, somehow relinquish the filth that has almost become a comforting hole to curl up in. I am stronger than that…the lesson is embedded and my vibration will now shift…The sky is opening up, the sun is peaking through, and I see a ray of hope. All the goodness in my life it staring out from behind the clouds quietly stating “we have always been right here”. I will keep looking to the sky, keep feeling the grass grow, feeling the trees breathe, and know the future is mine to make.