…The Madness of My Mind…

November 4, 2016
“Stop blaming outside circumstances for your inside chaos.” ― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

It is with great madness of my mind that I write today.  It has been several weeks since I’ve sat down to type words.  If I look back at other blogs, it has happened several times, and each time it is due to some circumstance “beyond my control.”  The lack of time, lack of thought, lack of sleep, the deprivation of something seems to be the recurring theme.

If only I could sit down and write when ideas consume my brain, but I am usually not near pen and paper or computer when profound thoughts come, and after they do, it all turns to mush and I becomes catatonic.  I cannot form a complete sentence, finish a project, or read a book.  I find myself having to make dinner, play with the kid, clean the house, attend the school function…not to mention work, all within a certain time frame; a schedule that is not of my making.   I continually check my email in order “to keep up” with work, look at Facebook to feel “connected” to family!! The conditions that surround control my life.  The outside influence permeates every minute of my everyday, yet I sit alone……the phone does not ring, a letter does not arrive, no one asks “how are you?” and the insanity consumes me as I look for the connection.

I have finally come to the conclusion it is all inconsequential.  I do not get more done by checking email so many times a day…I do not feel closer to friends and family through the computer…I do not gain anything by continually scrolling looking for the latest media truth to help me make a good decision…It is all a façade, nothing in it is worth paper print, and it has done nothing but shrink my capabilities and diminish my intelligence.  How easy it is to become influenced by “notifications” and “likes” and “instant messages”…to continually pick up the phone to check and see if anyone has anything to say to me… when in reality it has only made me enter chaotic madness!

It is no wonder I cannot write with the talent I had when I was younger…I do not take the time.  I just throw words on a page and hope the few that read will like it.  What a waste of time and ability.  Instead of reading all the blogs I have found to love, I’m scrolling through internet memes.  Instead of engaging fully with my child, I am checking email so I do not get behind.  Instead of picking up a good book, I have picked up bad habits and learned how to squander valuable moments.

“One of the very worst uses of time is to do something very well that need not to be done at all.” ― Brian Tracy

I have been very good as using my time in the utmost wasteful ways lately and it has taken a toll.  What was once used as a tool to create order out of chaos and forge connections to those far away, has done nothing but create more unease and negated my value as a living, breathing, feeling person.  I stopped using it to work for me and allowed it control.

It is my belief that technology was created in order to save us time, not to waste it; to enable us to deepen connections not to isolate, create bridges not canyons of division, and to allow us to enhance worth in our own selves, not destroy it.

I hope that I can reverse the path I have created and start walking towards real people, people that care what I have to say, through words I send out to the great internet, on the phone, or face to face.  I hope that I can begin, once again, to be in charge of my own chaos from which I can create and enjoy…

“Awake,chaos: we have napped.” ― E.E. Cummings, Complete Poems, 1913-1962

Photo credit: S.K.

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  • Reply alohaleya November 25, 2016 at 4:10 pm

    Oh I so relate to your words… it’s amazing how quickly technology became an addiction/compulsion for so many of us. I went off Facebook earlier in the summer and have read so many books since then. And I’m happy about that and don’t feel like rejoining the FB world any time soon. But still – the compulsion to check my email or phone is still there and that doesn’t seem to be lessening. Sigh.

    • Reply K. K. November 25, 2016 at 7:55 pm

      Thank you, I’m doing better since writing this but still have a long way to go until I’m “free” or at least to where I control it completely! It is a work in progress. I was off Facebook for a number of years and wished I’d never let the family talk me back into it! Good for you!! I read yours when you quit and was so jealous! Ha! After our election and all the negative energy that came through Facebook because of it, I’m much better about leaving it alone…email I’m working to only check it at certain times when I have time to sort, delete, and reply with thought, but again…work in progress!!

      • Reply alohaleya November 26, 2016 at 4:04 am

        I get it! I’ve gone off FB a few times but this is the longest I’ve been off. It can be tough because most people I know communicate that way, so I miss out on a lot. So who knows… I might come back on… as you say, work in progress 🙂

  • Reply Afrika Bohemian November 10, 2016 at 11:16 pm

    This is my experience right now, I have neglected reading the books I love, doing yoga, reading my favorite blogs and I am spending all my time being jealous of people on facebook (true confession :)), checking my email and thinking that I am really busy.

    • Reply K. K. November 16, 2016 at 9:58 am

      Yes, I have found in the last couple days that I have allowed the “energy” of what is going on in our country and around me permeate me, making me completely useless as I scroll through the latest news. Not much on facebook is real and I too am guilty of looking at it too much. I’m doing all I can right now to fight back and get my own strong self to be the one in control, not all that surrounds me.

    Would love to hear what you think!!!

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